A Strong City Wall
“Help your relatives and they will protect you like a strong city wall, but if you quarrel with them, they will close their doors to you.”
~ Proverbs 18:19
Why are family relationships so doggone hard? Our families have the ability to build us up or to completely destroy us with just a few words. And because we’re family, and “have” to love each other no matter what, we tend to think it’s okay to be careless with our words. They should just “get us” enough to be able to explode at them and say what we really think extremely tactlessly, regardless if it hurts their feelings or not. If it’s not safe to “blow up” with your family, then where IS it safe?
Maybe we need a new way of thinking about family. Maybe we need to start seeing them as a strong city wall, instead of a deaf and dumb sounding board. City walls are only strong if the citizens put time, effort, and energy into their upkeep. If the walls aren’t maintained, they crumble, and what good is a pile of rubble when the enemy attacks? We NEED the protection of our families, therefore we NEED to make caring for those relationships a top priority.
I feel like familial relationships were easier to keep up when immediate and extended families all lived in the same town, if not on the same plot of land. They lived and worked together daily for survival, so letting frustrations, arguments, and hurt feelings fester between them just wasn’t an option. They HAD to deal with their issues in order to stay alive.
If your family is anything like mine, they’re spread all over the country. My immediate family is spread out over Illinois, Michigan, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Add in the extended family, and we cover everywhere from Washington to Delaware and Texas to Wisconsin. When fights break out or feelings get hurt, it’s fairly easy to just avoid seeing the offending party until the next family get-together, at which time we just pretend like everything is hunky dory for a few days, then go back to ignoring each other when the holiday or reunion is over. They aren’t part of our daily life, so why put forth the energy to heal the relationship? (Not saying this is RIGHT; it just seems to be the way it IS.)
Perhaps another question to ask is this: Are families today the vital “city wall” they were in Biblical times? Or even a century ago? Is it okay to simply “leave and cleave” to our friends and church families that ARE in close proximity and allow them to become our surrogate families, our indispensable protectors? Or should we be putting more of a priority on maintaining familial ties, even across the distances?
Romans 12:18 has been reverberating in my brain all day: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Regardless of how we view our blood relations, we are still called to deal with conflict in a healthy manner – as much as is it in our power to do so. The verse we looked at earlier in Proverbs warns us against quarreling with our family members, and Paul takes it a step further in include ALL people. Whether we are close with our families or not seems to be irrelevant. We are still called to live in peace with them and love them well.
I know I’m not as close with my family as I would like to be, and since it’s a “so far as it depends on you” kind of situation, it’s going to be up to me to keep offering relationship to them. As we discussed earlier, it’s not easy. At all. But, if this promise of protection in Proverbs is still accurate today, I NEED to be making the effort.
How have you managed to stay close with your family, even if you don’t live close by? What tips or suggestions would you offer to someone struggling in a familial relationship?
As a former University Resident Director, Career Counselor, Certified Personality Trainer, and high school Spanish teacher, Laura has quite the “scattered” background — with one underlying theme: education! She writes to teach and inspire women on topics related to faith, family, and lifework. She is also a resume writer, specializing in resumes for moms, career changers, and new graduates.
