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Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you fight & bicker like there will NEVER be a happily ever after? What happened to that fairytale romance you thought you had signed up for? Friend, there is HOPE! Check out these 5 Marriage Communication Secrets to POWERFULLY improve your marriage TODAY!

When we get married, most of us have this idea of a wonderful, romance-filled life ahead of us. Fairytale happy endings dance through our heads – even if we TRIED to ground ourselves in reality before saying “I do”!

But after the honeymoon ends, and we fall into the daily routine of work, paying bills, raising kids, and just living life, we often turn around and wonder, “What happened to my happily ever after? I don’t even KNOW this guy anymore!”

Ladies, it doesn’t have to BE like that!

This week I had the honor of chatting with Tiffany Montgomery of HopeJoyInChrist.com about her Top 5 Secrets for Powerful Change in Your Marriage. It was so much fun!

We women are great at commiserating about our struggles within marriage, but it’s FANTASTIC when we can find a woman who really gets it AND can push us to DO something about it!

That’s Tiffany! As a wife who has truly “been there, done that!” in so many aspects of her own marriage, she is able to encourage us and still point us right back to the One who can ultimately heal our marriages.

If your marriage could use a good dose of “challenge & support,” be sure to check out the video below to hear our full conversation – or hop down to read the main points of our talk in this post – then stay tuned for an AWESOME surprise at the end!

Why do we call these tips “secrets”?

With all the “experts” out there touting their “secrets” to every issue under the sun, it’s hard to believe that these next five tips are actually “secrets.” But, in a lot of senses, they are!

This advice for building a biblically-centered marriage isn’t well known. Even in Christian circles! As Christians, we often still tend to fall into our culture’s way of doing marriage, instead of pursuing God’s way, so these “secrets” require a BIG shift in our thinking.

Now, you MIGHT hear some of these tips from professional counselors – but not necessarily from other women/wives who are in the trenches with you. However, Tiffany is right there in the thick of it with us – just a few steps ahead to shine the light for those of us who are trying to find a way to save our marriages.

After hearing Tiffany’s story, I can tell you she has walked a HARD road to get to a place of hope and joy in her marriage. But after digging into God’s Word, strategically praying for herself and her husband, their marriage is nearly unrecognizable from what it was 10 years ago. Simply choosing to do marriage God’s way has completely transformed her relationship with her husband, and now she’s excited to share what God has been teaching her!

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you fight & bicker like there will NEVER be a happily ever after? What happened to that fairy tale romance you thought you had signed up for? Friend, there is HOPE! Click To Tweet

A Common Thread

If you’ve been around Scattered Woman for any length of time, it will not surprise you that all these “secrets” to powerful change in your marriage have one common thread: communication!

Y’all know I love talking about how we can learn to better communicate with those around us – especially by understanding The Personalities and by learning to productively handle conflict & confrontation. So, of course, I am SUPER excited to have Tiffany here to tackle how we can strengthen – and even save! – our marriages by following biblical advice for communicating well in our marriages.

Without further ado, let’s dive in & hear from Tiffany why communication in marriage is so important – and those Top 5 Marriage Communication Secrets we promised!

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you fight & bicker like there will NEVER be a happily ever after? What happened to that fairy tale romance you thought you had signed up for? Friend, there is HOPE! Check out these 5 Marriage Communication Secrets to POWERFULLY improve your marriage TODAY!

The Importance of Communication in Marriage

The area of communication within a marriage is absolutely critical. As women – as wives – communication is not just about what we say; it’s a way that we connect. It’s a way that we understand what’s going on in our world. It’s also a really good indication of what’s going on in our hearts.

You can listen to what’s coming out of my mouth to see when I’m not trusting or forgiving my husband. Are the words critical, nagging, mothering toward my husband?

Let me stop there for just a second and say when you put two sinful human beings within the same space for any given amount of time there are going to be hurts and injuries that are hard to forgive. But forgiveness is absolutely fundamental in creating a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Forgiveness is absolutely fundamental in creating a marriage that lasts a lifetime. ~ Tiffany Montgomery of HopeJoyInChrist.com Click To Tweet

Unforgiveness creates this bitterness and resentment that truly flavors every word that comes out of your mouth – and it touches every relationship whether we realize it or not.

The Bible says that are worth have the power to give life or the power to bring death (Proverbs 18:21). And so, it is critical that we start doing this communication aspect of our marriage differently.

By the way, if you’re struggling with unforgiveness, go check out my FREE Forgiveness Challenge. Commit to dig into the Bible and find some real, practical, hands-on ways to forgive those hard things. It will be life changing!

Marriage Communication Secret #1: PRAY!

When you are starting to make radical changes to anything, the first step is always prayer.

Pray hard.

Pray powerfully.

Pray strategically.

So often we think about prayer as this boring passive action that we have to do as Christians. But, really, prayer is one of the most powerful tools God gives us when we are fighting spiritual battles. And believe me, when we are trying to change the words that are coming out of our mouths, that is a HUGE spiritual battle.

You have to be praying for yourself in this area!

How do you do that?

You have to identify the bad habits that you need to get ahold of in your speech:

  • Are you critical?
  • Do you nag?
  • Are you always pointing out his mistakes?
  • Do you tend to try to bring him down to earth and end up crushing his dreams?
  • Do you mother him?

Once I’ve identified my trouble areas, honest-to-goodness, I just go to Google and say, “Give me Bible verses about X,” and it’ll be there! Pull those verses and write them out.

Then, tape them up in a place where you are often – over the kitchen sink, on the mirror in the bathroom, on your bedside table. Just choose somewhere YOU will see them often!

These verses are in the Word of God, so they’re going to be in the WILL of God. He tells us that when we ask anything according to His will, He’ll do it (1 John 5:14). So, we are so on the road to victory in this area!

Marriage Communication Secret #2: Find a Safe Place

Let’s say you are having a conversation with your husband and you can tell this conversation is going to go badly. I mean, how often do you have the same conversation over and over and you know what he’s going to say next? You know exactly how it’s going to raise your hackles and cause your mouth to get out of hand super-fast!

When that happens, I excuse myself – mid conversation – and go into a place where I have my favorite verses taped up to pray. My safe place is the bathroom – so he thinks I have the world’s smallest bladder 😉

But, we’ve already been praying over that mouth – praying Scripture. Sometimes, it just takes a few minutes to calm myself down to get a hold of the emotional side of what’s going on. I like to take it to God first to let him filter my mind and my words.

Then, when I come out we are both cooler and ready to really talk to each other – instead of at each other.

So, where is YOUR safe place? Make a plan to head there next time things start getting heated!

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you fight & bicker like there will NEVER be a happily ever after? What happened to that fairy tale romance you thought you had signed up for? Friend, there is HOPE! Check out these 5 Marriage Communication Secrets to POWERFULLY improve your marriage TODAY!

Marriage Communication Secret #3: Agree to Wait

Once you have cooled off in your safe space, you can really listen – not only to what the other person is saying, but also what they need from you in the conversation.

Men and women really speak different languages and how we communicate in marriage ties back into our core needs: respect and admiration for men, and love and security for women.

When my husband is talking to me, I am trying to listen and respond with respect and admiration – to meet his felt need. I can do that when I am cooled down and my needs for love and security are met by God through prayer. Otherwise, I will speak to him from my need instead of speaking into his need.

If you need more time to cool down – or if your husband does! – don’t be afraid to postpone the conversation. You can work together to set a time to come back to the topic at hand when you are calmer and able to speak his language well. (Just be sure you DO come back to it when you say you will!)

Marriage Communication Secret #4: Use ‘I’ Statements

When we have prayed through things and let God meet our emotional needs, we can listen better, talk to each other, and really communicate. Even then, however, we need to be careful to speak with ‘I’ statements, so we don’t stir that emotion back up.

Let me give you an example:

For YEARS we argued about how to discipline our kids. My husband would freak out and exclaim, “I don’t want you to hit our kids!” when I would spank one of them. Finally, I started putting these steps into practice.

I started praying more strategically, asking God to help us get on the same page, and begging him to help me get control of my mouth.

One night, when I could see the same old argument starting up again, I tried a different approach:

“Bud, I really want to be on the same team raising our kids. I want to see them grow up to be godly young women who make wise choices and understand that bad choices have real consequences in the real world. I feel hurt when you question my motives for disciplining them. Can you help me understand what you want to see change?”

He very calmly explained the years of abuse he endured at his parents’ attempts to “discipline him,” which was more like beating him with whatever they could grab fast enough to catch him. He didn’t want his kids to be abused. He was afraid a light spanking could progress to abuse because that was what he grew up with.

We sat that night and had a real conversation, for the first time, about how we wanted to raise these little blessings. We connected, communicating deeply and sharing our hearts.

It was eye-opening to see how these steps could really open the lines of communications I had closed with my nagging, critical mouth.


Does this tip sound familiar? It should! We talked about it in our discussion about conflict & confrontation!

Do you HIDE from CONFLICT? Does the thought of confrontation make you want to run away and never come back? Once you master these 5 MASSIVELY IMPORTANT life lessons about conflict & confrontation, you'll never have to hide again -- and you'll be able to teach these lessons to your kids, too!

You can also grab my FREE Conquering Conflict guide to help you really master these communication secrets!


Marriage Communication Secret #5: Be Playful

This last tip is something I love to use in situations that used to frustrate me and tempt me to nag: I infuse some playfulness into the moment!

One frustration that is repeated over and over in our house is the laundry. I mean, how does a grown man miss the laundry basket every time? Wet towels, dirty work clothes – always on the floor, 1 foot away from the basket!

Instead of nagging him to pick up the clothes – carrying on about how inconvenient it is, I am not his slave, it’s so inconsiderate, etc. – I switch to playfulness.

I usually bend “just so” to pick up the clothes, look back over my shoulder, and with sexy, British accent, say something like, “You’ll have to pay me for this service later tonight, sir.” As I wink and walk away with a swish, I definitely have his attention!

Flip your hair or do something playful. Flirt! You'll definitely have his attention -- and a new, open line for communication! Click To Tweet

I did say something about the laundry (and he knows I hate it), but it also hit his sexuality, his masculinity – because I implied I still want him – and it was funny.

Even if he misses my drift, I walk away feeling less frustrated, laughing, and not angry for the rest of the day! Win, win. ?

So, flip your hair or do something playful to get his attention. Flirt! If you don’t remember how to flirt, watch a TV show and see how the teenagers do it. ?


Remember Karisa Kaye’s point about how affairs often happen when we re-discover how to play with someone else? Let’s safeguard our marriages & start being playful with our husbands again! Read more about Karisa’s playfulness point here:

You know what you're struggling with is more than just the "Wintertime Blahs," so now what? Check out these tips for Finding a Way Out of Anxiety & Depression!


One Final Thought

Make sure you are plugged into a Bible-believing community. It is so easy to drift along with the culture if we don’t have like-minded friends and mentors to hold us accountable and support us – especially on the days when it’s hard to do “biblical wifehood” alone.

Thank you so much for stopping by Scattered Woman to share your Marriage Communication Secrets with us, Tiffany!

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you fight & bicker like there will NEVER be a happily ever after? What happened to that fairy tale romance you thought you had signed up for? Friend, there is HOPE! Check out these 5 Marriage Communication Secrets to POWERFULLY improve your marriage TODAY!

Ready for MORE Awesome Secrets to Powerful Change in Your Marriage?

Tiffany has created a brand new, FANTASTIC, online Bible Study for all you wives who are intrigued by the possibilities this perspective shift holds for your marriage.

This Finding Hope & Joy in My Marriage eCourse includes:

  • 10 self-paced video lessons on
    • Love
    • Forgiveness
    • Desires Vs. Preferences
    • My Mouth
    • Appreciation & Admiration
    • The Leader
    • Understanding Men
    • Respect
    • My Priorities
  • 9 weeks of personal study lessons
    • 5 days each week
    • only 10-15 minutes per day!
  • 45 Days of prayer prompts

I’ve had the great pleasure of walking through Tiffany’s course materials over the last month or so, and I can honestly say that the Finding Hope & Joy in My Marriage e-Course is one of the BEST and most IN-DEPTH studies on biblical marriage I have ever seen.

Coming from the heart of a woman who has walked through such hard times in her own marriage, this course dives DEEP into what Scripture says about marriage, love, and our relationship with God.

If you’re looking for a light, feel-good devotion on marriage, this course is NOT for you.

BUT, if you’re struggling in your marriage and KNOW God has something better for this area of your life and ministry, you’re DEFINITELY in the right place.

Tiffany will challenge your thinking, inspire you to take positive action steps, and gently push you to dig in, pursue your husband, and be the ezer kenegdo you were created to be.

(If you’re not familiar with the ezer kenegdo concept, be sure to check out the book, Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge! Another awesome book about biblical womanhood!)

If you’re struggling at all in your marriage, be sure to hop over and check out Tiffany’s course. I can promise your marriage will never be the same! ?

 

Guest blogger: Tiffany Montgomery of HopeJoyInChrist.com

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Interested in writing for Scattered Woman? We’re always looking for other mamas to collaborate with us! If you have guest post ideas about healing health, finding faith, restoring relationships, or crafting careers, please email laura{at}scatteredwoman{dot}com. We’re excited to work with you!

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