The Problem of Consistency: Keeping Well-Lit

During my quiet time this morning, I had a hard time getting past these verses. I want to be someone full of light and life, but oh, my goodness is it a lot harder to do than I would like to admit, especially after a whole week of interviews and being about as bone-tired as I’ve ever been. Reflecting Christ with everything in me is a much larger charge than just letting Him shine through me while I’m on stage, which I talk about briefly here.

Several weeks ago, as I was sitting in small group at church with a bunch of people who really don’t know me yet, I realized that all these people had seen of me was my being on stage as part of the worship team, singing my heart out to and for my Jesus, and my sitting in small group, head down, never offering a word of insight or contribution to the discussion, never really talking to anyone, never sure how they would like me or how much time I would actually be able to invest in them, so never risking getting too involved. To them it must have seemed like I had two different personalities: one outgoing and lively from the stage, and the other quiet, withdrawn, and maybe even a little stuck-up. It’s like I was able to “live wide-eyed with wonder and belief” on stage, but seemed more “squinty-eyed with… distrust” in a group of people I didn’t really know yet. Well, shoot… THAT’S not good!

I’ve always struggled with being the same person both on stage and off. Being on stage with a “script” is SO much easier for me than being with a group of people and trying to figure out what in the world to talk about. Small talk is so not my thing! If I have a script, I’m able to let more of my true self shine through because I don’t have to worry about what to say – it’s already in my brain, ready to go. But if I have to try to figure out what to say, all my energy is going toward that task, and my true self ends up stranded in the shadows while I’m focused on thinking and processing and trying to not make the whole interaction so ridiculously awkward.

I definitely want to come across as consistent and always let my life be “well-lit.” I want to represent Christ well both on stage and in smaller groups. How horrifying to think someone may be turned off from God because of something I’ve done or not done! We’re trying to draw people TO Christ, not push them AWAY! I want to be consistently open and filled with His Light; I’m just not entirely sure how to do it other than to simply force myself to smile and look welcoming in hopes that someone else will come up with something to talk about! I know I can’t possibly be the only person in the world to struggle with this split-public-persona deal. Does anyone out there have any tricks you’ve learned on how to overcome this problem? How do you let your light shine in ALL situations?